ogres

for the past couple weeks, i've been going downtown to do promo work for the theater. this involves handing out fliers and telling people about whichever movie we're showing outside that weekend. it's a good deal because i get time and a half and the work is easy. it also provides a nice way for me to get the city under my feet. there is another benefit to doing promo work though which outweighs all the other perks.

that benefit is the company. the people i work with vary from week to week, but i am frequently paired up with lockheed martin. everyone else he works with (and i do mean everyone) hates him. in fact, the first time i went downtown, bad religion shirt ground his teeth for three hours straight. every time lockheed said or did something, he'd hiss "idiot" under his breath and i'd suppress a smile.

delightful.

anyway, this week i decided to see how long i could keep lockheed going. i started off by asking his opinion of the movie we were promoting this week, 300. he loved it of course, though he was shocked to learn that the battle of thermopylae actually occurred. he went on to declare that the spartans were the most humane, socially progressive society ever to exist (i know, i know). close behind the spartans in compassion were the egyptians, who it turns out did not work tens of thousands of slaves to death to build the pyramids. aliens built them, by the way. the egyptians lived together in harmony in a techno-utopia fashioned for them by the superscientist jesus. yes jesus, the inventor of the lightbulb, earliest proponent of string theory, and all around rad guy.

it was at this point that things began to get silly.

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new feature! *lockheedism of the week* new feature!

"why do people believe in dinosaurs but not ogres?"

if you said, "the fossil record," you (like me) have been suckered by the archeologists (i've got my eye on you, theo); yes, that secretive cabal of scientists who, for unknown but definitely sinister reasons, formed a global conspiracy to cover up the existence of supernatural beings. triceratops, for example, are actually ogres which scientists have cleverly disguised as dinosaurs by affixing horns to the skull. radiocarbon dating? a sham. did you know that if you pour graphite on grass, scientists will think it is millions of years old? hand to god.